Small Moments Story Progression

First line:

The kicker stepped onto the field.

First draft:

The App State kicker stepped onto the football field.  The crowd fell silent in anticipation.  As I watched the ball soar through the air, my heart nearly stopped as I thought, will it be good? It looked like it went through the field goal uprights! Did we win? I thought. Then I saw it, there was a flag lying on the field.  There was a penalty, and it meant that the kick did not count.

Expanded: The App State kicker stepped onto the football field.  The crowd fell silent in anticipation.  As I watched the ball soar through the air, my heart nearly stopped as I thought, will it be good? It looked like it went through the field goal uprights! Did we win? I thought. Then I saw it, there was a flag lying on the field.  There was a penalty, and it meant that the kick did not count.  The kicker kicked again and… No! it was blocked.  The ball tumbled slowly to the ground.  I felt like the world was moving in slow motion, we lost the game by only one point, 19 to 20.

Final:

The App State kicker stepped onto the football field.  The crowd fell silent in anticipation.  This was it, this kick decides if we win or lose.  As I watched the ball soar through the air, my heart nearly stopped as I thought, “will the kick be good?” From my angle in the stands, it looked like it flew perfectly between the field goal uprights.  I squealed and jumped as my heart began to race and a smile spread across my face, “we won!” I thought.

Then I saw it... there was a yellow referee’s flag lying on the field.  There was a penalty, and it meant that the kick did not count.  The kicker kicked again… NO!...it was blocked.  The ball tumbled slowly to the ground, like a leaf falling from a tree in autumn. It felt as if the world was moving in slow motion.  We lost the game by only one point.